open letter to ann landers

this usually doesn't happen unless i'm chopping garlic, but i woke up this morning with fingers that smelled like old barbeque. do you know that smell? anyway, i tried washing them and nothing changed, so i rubbed my fingers with lemon (because i read somewhere that it helps get the garlic smell out of your hands) but that didn't work either! now what's worse is i can't stop smelling them and it's giving me gut rot.