open letter to ann landers

this usually doesn't happen unless i'm chopping garlic, but i woke up this morning with fingers that smelled like old barbeque. do you know that smell? anyway, i tried washing them and nothing changed, so i rubbed my fingers with lemon (because i read somewhere that it helps get the garlic smell out of your hands) but that didn't work either! now what's worse is i can't stop smelling them and it's giving me gut rot.

Hey look! It's the opposite of Château Nîce.

mr. cab driver reads too many story books

"why don't you come over to my place? forget about your boyfriend. you look like a nice girl. i will make you feel good."
"out of all women, i haven't tasted asian. my friend has very good things to say about asian ladies."
"if i had the authority, i would dig a deep hole and bury all the gays and lesbians."
i didn't sit in the passenger seat so that you could grab my wrist and say such creepy things.

lining up for coffee at balzac's. 3:10pm

"I'm metrosexual."
"A metro-what?"
"A metrosexual. I just had an analysis done. It means I embrace my feminine side. I have a terrific sense of style. Of course I am by no means gay."
"No, of course not."
"It doesn't mean I'm less of a man. I'm into sports – I ski, I sail, I play tennis. No football or hockey for me. I'd like to preserve my teeth."
Chuckles all around. ("Oooh Biffy, you are such a cad!")
Something tells me he didn't just think that up on the spot.

voula's surprise party: living room cool down

"my dad used to smoke pot"
"my dad wore overalls with no t-shirt"
"sounds hot!"
"my dad was a shepherd"

indulge me for a moment...

do you know what i hate? old ladies who berate me and get their panties in a huff because they can't get into the fucking opera class they want after refusing to register early. if you've been taking the same goddamn class for the past hundred years and were told you should register early because it's going to sell out this year, would you refuse, even though you've been following the same friggin' schedule year, after year, after year?
yes. you're all subscribers.
yes. you're all donors.
yes. you married well.
but don't hang up on me because you're too stubborn to follow simple instructions.
if i'm that old and miserable just lock me in a closet and send cockroaches under the door to torture me. at the rate i'm going, that'll be next week.

there. i feel cleansed.

something is missing...

what I've eaten in the past 90 hours:
one banana (came with a sticker, yay!)
one clementine
all-dressed rice chips (my tongue feels funny)
black cherry yogurt (the pain is worth it)
lemongrass soup with seafood
steamed white rice
spring roll
chocolate chip cookie (tasted not unlike cardboard)
soggy mini pizzas (will use toaster oven next time)
dulce de leche on flax rye toast
Kozy Shack rice pudding
four mini pogo sticks (all gone)
imitation crab meat
mango papaya cinammon crêpe with maple syrup
avocado rolls
soft bacon and eggs over medium
lomo saltado
papas a la huancaina
anticuchos

... no fibre v_v